Providing Support

24-Hour LINKLine

Call or text: 1-800-897-LINK (5465)

Approach your loved one in a sensitive way, letting them know your concerns. Don’t be surprised if they seem defensive, dismissive, or reject your support. They might be worried about burdening you with their situation if they tell you about the abuse, or afraid of how you might now think about or respond to them or the person who is causing harm. They may not be ready to admit to being abused, or may feel ashamed and afraid to talk about it. They might have difficulty trusting anyone after being abused and fear what you may do with the information. In the case of intimate partner abuse, they may feel like if they love their partner enough, they can save their relationship or do something that will change or stop the harmful behavior. They may not even identify their experience as abusive and be ready to talk about it with you or accept help.

Don’t push the person into talking if they are uncomfortable or resist, but let them know that you’re there if they ever need to talk. Be patient and keep an ear out for anything that indicates they are ready to talk about their experiences. If the person starts to talk about the abuse, listen with an open mind, compassion, and a supportive attitude, even if you don’t agree with what the person is saying. It can be difficult not to offer opinions about the relationship or the person they identify is using behavior that’s causing harm, to criticise or to blame. However, this response may decrease their openness and the likelihood that they will accept help from you or even someone else.

Below are three strategies that will show your willingness to show up and support someone. You don’t need to be an expert or have all the answers. Survivors tell us that having support where someone can just be there, listen and be available is most helpful.

Tips

Asking “How’s it going?” and really caring about the answer is powerful.

Some other possible questions to ask:

  • What is your biggest concern?
  • What are you most worried about?
  • What do you need or want?
  • What do you need from your community?
  • How can I help?
  • What is life like with [person causing harm’s name]?
  • How are the kids doing?
  • Is this relationship energizing or draining?
  • Do you get to do the things you like to do?
  • What happens if you disagree?
  • What does arguing look like?

Really listen. Listen without having your own agenda or thinking about what you’re going to say next. Being heard helps others feel seen and understood. Acknowledgment of their experience as real and valid makes all the difference.

Things you can say to people who have experienced harm:

  • I believe you.
  • I am so sorry this is happening to you.
  • Thank you for sharing this.
  • I don’t even know what to say right now but I am so glad you told me.
  • You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
  • Thank you for telling me.
  • It’s not your fault.
  • You are not alone.
  • You get to choose what you do next. 
  • How can I support you or help?

When you’re listening deeply to someone, you are not trying to assert your opinion, you are trying to hear and understand their perspective.

You’re also listening for what the person thinks about risks, priorities, and concerns. Bottom line: you are listening to hear what the person is experiencing, what they want, and what your help would look like for them.

Starting to feel worried? If you’re hearing something (they’re isolated, being monitored or stalked, the person has a weapon) that makes you concerned they are in danger, you (or both of you together) can call the UDVC LINKLine (800-897-5465) OR National Domestic Violence Hotline to come up with a plan to stay as safe as possible. If there are concerns about immediate danger and they are unable to flee, call 911. 

Red flags that indicate a potential for greater risk:

  • Prior strangulation
  • Access to firearms
  • Suicide threats
  • Threats to kill

It can take a long time for things to get better, and it can be difficult to hang in there through this journey. But staying connected is one of the most helpful things you can do. When someone is isolated, the individual causing harm has far more power and control over their lives. You do not need to know all the answers or agree with every decision to be helpful. Instead, consistently show up, take on what you can, and ask for help with things that are difficult for you.

Connection also means no ultimatums. We’ve learned that tough love is not what people respond well to. You might be the only person they are reaching out to. If you give them an ultimatum that they can’t live up to, they won’t have anyone left. Instead, try to leave the door open to make it easy to keep coming back to you.

Even if the person you’re concerned about doesn’t reach out, you can be the one to take the first step by reaching out. This can be a lifeline for your loved one. They may not be calling or reaching out because they cannot, not because they don’t want to or don’t need support.

That said, we know that it’s really hard to stay connected when you’re worried and scared, and unsure how to help someone you care about. But it is not helpful to sacrifice your own well-being in the hopes of helping someone else. If you need help, talk to your trusted supports and reach out to experts when needed. If you need to take a break, take it.

Contact Us

For business inquiries:
Office: 801-521-5544
Fax: 801-521-5548
Email: admin@udvc.org

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Get Help

If you or someone else is in danger, call 9-1-1 immediately.

Call our free and confidential 24-hour LINKLine: 1-800-897-LINK (5465). (If LINKLine advocates are experiencing an increased call volume, calls will be forwarded to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.)

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*Please be aware that by state law all UDVC staff are mandated reporters. Click HERE to learn more about mandatory reporting. To report child abuse or neglect, click HERE. To report vulnerable adult abuse/neglect, click HERE.